A Journey that doesn’t need shoes.

Every pilgrimage to the desert is a pilgrimage to the self. There is no place to hide, & so we are found Terry Tempest Williams

As a coach, I believe in doing my own inner work to best fit me to support other’s journeys. After searching for a decade, I had a good idea of what I needed for a deep & soulful dive & finally found the ‘right’ provider with whom to make a longed-for trip to the spectacular Sahara Desert.

When the word bespoke is used about programme design, the bar is set really high for the organisers in terms of expectations. Rebecca & Mohammed with the cross cultural team from Moroccan Journeys clear that bar!

A journey without flexibility is only a destination. This was an exploration & an adventure. They know the territory, literally & metaphorically. From organisation through to each moment of the experience, they paid exquisite attention, constantly looking to adjust & flex the itinerary to deepen & meet the changing or emerging needs of my individual journey.

All Journeys have a secret destination of which the traveller is unaware.Martin Buber

This characteristic wove a light cocoon of potential through each step of the week. Whether it was the cultural feast of the senses that is the Souk, the beautiful arches of the Riads lit by ruby red lamps & opening into quiet courtyards, driving through snow covered mountains, careful & expertly handled group process, being taken by your camel with its melodic, hypnotic, undulating gait across the immense & silent expanse of the desert, sleeping in a cosy nomadic tented camp under the dazzling stars, all aspects of the experience are selected & facilitated with integrity, passion, humility, wisdom, humour, courage & creativity. The desert is a great catalyst & facilitator for a deep ‘dive’ into the vast & endless mystery of ourselves, an underworld journey inviting what’s unconscious to become conscious. In the enormity of the desert, we are so small but the insignificant neglected or hidden becomes obvious & stark against the towering dunes. Quality inner work can be done there. A pilgrimage to self is often a journey from ignorance to enlightenment, from doubt to certainty, from confusion to clarity.

In the Old Testament story, take off your shoes………

was a reminder that when we pay attention we are standing on the ‘holy’ ground of our own being. The desert seems to stretch as far ahead as our life itself. Taking off my shoes was only a beginning. Sandals

Someone said: After many years of walking, the homecoming occurs in a single step. I’ve just experienced it.

http://moroccanjourneys.com

Meaning-full Coaching

As a coach, I’ve often been privileged to hear “this has changed my life”

There’s not much better endorsement than that in relation to what’s been provided. It’s the kind of coaching experience I love. I didn’t learn about that kind of coaching through traditional training methods though…….I discovered it by searching for a different kind of guidance when I was lost, after a trauma, a diagnosis of chronic illness & then again when I survived major surgery. My life’s work has been to use my ‘traditional’ coaching skills & expertise combined with this ‘other’ awareness & guiding, when it’s called for.

Change can happen at many levels of experience; behavioural change is what we & others notice, but attitude (beliefs & values) identity & purpose change begins deep inside & often when we have the courage & the support to face those moments of lostness.

We know that change happens first in the unconscious & is followed & supported by changes in our internal & external realities that we & others can witness to.

It makes sense that this kind of change is often symbolised by metaphors of seeds, seasonal nurture, growth.

One of my favourite quotes from Robert Dilts, NLP giant is:

“Remedial change is like pulling weeds. Generative change is like planting new seeds. Evolutionary change is like altering the landscape on which the weeds & seeds are growing”

Coaching can often start from or look like purely behavioural change, especially in corporations, but underneath the behaviours we exhibit is the foundation of who we are…………….and that’s where the real questions live.

Rumi, the 12th Century Sufi mystic asked;

“who is this that lives here in the centre of my chest?”

Soul Centric coaching is my passion. Its focus is on the inside out. Different from navel gazing or self obsession, it honours the wisdom of your unconscious, soul, essence…….the core of you & it responds to the big questions we ask which are often only barely concealed behind the moments of our lives.

“I slip through gossamer membranes, down & down into the mulched soul space of the garden. There I find the bulbs, & seeds of self; dormant, unattended. It’s high time to water, & make fertile & caress that inviolate core of my being” Jeanne Achterberg

What are the questions that wake you in the middle of the night? Where do you go for your answers? How’s your relationship with the unknown?

Joseph Campbell pointed out that there’s only one theme, found in all human centred stories & myths; the Hero’s Journey. Here you are, going about your everyday life……….until something unexpected happens.

Career transitions or approaching retirement.

Relationship conflicts or breakdown.

Medical diagnoses

Midlife or chronological Rites of Passage.

Events on the world or local stage that prompt us to wonder, or worry…..what does this MEAN?

Wandering

At that point, we have a window of opportunity ~ to respond to the invitation to whatever transition calls us, to actually experience that unknown territory, struggle with inner or outer obstacles, find out what we’re ‘made of’ or……… do whatever’s possible to avoid dealing with it.

Buy a motorbike, get an addictive habit, go on a very long & expensive holiday……………..?

Soul centric coaching responds to the questions you as an individual ask by using your own life, philosophy & ways of making meaning as the route map for your journey.

You are a completely unique example of your genes, character traits, thinking, interests, talents, awareness. Your entire life is showing you signs, posing questions, inviting transitions, offering challenges that no-one else’s ever could or would.

The way you respond to the challenges, the questions & the opportunities hidden within the everyday events of your life shapes the choices you make & the quality of the journey you have. Make it meaning-full.

Each of our lives is constantly in transition. Transition means to ‘go across’ & we are always crossing from one moment, one day, one event to the next. Our souls are the part of us that’s already gone ahead into that new territory. Why not let our conscious minds follow?

“What is it you plan to do with your one wild & precious life?” Mary Oliver

It’s why my coaching business is called Enigma……with a multi faceted diamond as its symbol. You & I are SO much more than the events of our lives. The mystery & wonderful combination of all that we are, could be & will be, shine through those events. You are awesome & amazing. Let those life moments lead you to unlock more facets of the light you carry!

The Power & the Pain of Positioning.

Look at it from my Perspective……….

Put yourself in my situation………….

If you were dealing with what I’m dealing with, you’d behave like this too…

Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes…………..

You have no idea what’s it like……………

All of these are comments, sayings & sometimes accusations you’ve probably come across if you are engaged in relationships!

The human brain is designed to make judgements & form opinions which it often generalises as the ‘truth’; that’s how we learn.

Unfortunately, we start from a place of looking for or paying attention to what we already believe is true

E.g. She is bad tempered because she’s just mean

(Rather than perhaps she’s dealing with constant pain?)

He doesn’t tell me what’s going on because he’s secretive

(Rather than perhaps he simply doesn’t know I want to be informed &

doesn’t want to bore me with too much detail?)

The downside of this, predictably is that we might not learn much that is new to update our previous beliefs. So we carry on perceiving the world from our own set of filters, as limiting yet familiar as they are!

There’s no such thing as immaculate perception.

We see what we thought was there before we looked!

Have you ever been to see a film with a friend & over drinks & discussions later wondered whether you had actually seen the same film…or perhaps if one of you has lost the plot, pardon the pun?

However, what our brains also have the capacity to do is consider what opinions, judgements & generalisations other people might be making based on their context, what’s ‘true’ for them.

This is often called Positioning. I put myself in your position, to see the world through your eyes, as best I can, in an attempt to understand, rationalise or at least empathise with what you’re saying or doing. This should help me to relate to you with more compassion, more consideration & probably more effectively…. for you.

This is hard work, I find, but can have huge rewards, making for greater clarity & respect between friends, co-workers, and family members. I “get” you………(as long as I remember I can’t ever really know…)

So I celebrate your difference, I adapt my behaviours given yours, I forgive you, and I let it go.

And sometimes, that’s where the problem starts for me.

I have noticed that I work SO hard at seeing the world from your perspective, that when I get an inkling of what’s true for you…& I feel that I can appreciate your motives & intentions a little better, all the sting goes out of how your behaviour might have hurt me.

So what’s bad about that then?

I hold back on the respectful feedback or open enquiry with you that might give us each more information about our relationship & particularly about how we might, as a unit interact in ways to nurture each of us.

I swallow my own hurt because I can see why you might have said that or done that & I want you to be you……….not who I want you to be, but I don’t want to be so hurt that the easiest thing for me to do is to stay away from you.

I want to be able to keep the sting, when appropriate so that I can be authentically me. Hmmm. I haven’t yet figured out how to do this & be as respectful as I want to. Maybe you have?

Synchronicity

“The dramatic coincidence of meaning between an inner state and a simultaneous external event” Jung.

Talking to a client recently, she was amazed that an invitation of work had suddenly come her way after she had brought several months of exploration & focus to an aspect of how she self identified & the contribution she therefore might make in the world.

I wasn’t amazed. I’ve seen it before. I’ve even experienced it myself. I wasn’t amazed……….but I was thrilled at the chance to witness once again to the mysterious timing often at play in our lives.

My client has the opportunity now to open a door into her future that may completely change the way she imagined it looking. Having worked along side her for a while on her journey, I think it’s because she’s ready.

Often we don’t recognise we’re ready when that synchronicitious timing presents itself, the offer, the invitation, the commission, the chance, the opportunity, the call. Sometimes we might even miss or turn down the call.

If we step forward though, into the new territory of our Hero’s Journey, magical, unexpected things often happen & I believe we do find the resources we need…………..

Her soul, unconscious, deeper wisdom…………..however you think if it, knew she was ready. Perhaps it had even been waiting for the self-knowledge she tentatively arrived at.

What clues are waiting for you, or me?

Who might we meet, bump into again after such a long time with an idea we could be a part of?

What might we discover on that diversion we are forced to take because we chose to drive that route?

What book might come off the shelf into our hands, stuck to the one we thought we wanted?

What chances are longing for us to be ready to step into them…& on?

Go on, wonder, notice………make some new meaning of the events of your day

Can anything happen to you for which you’re not ready?

I look back now on certain things that at the time seemed to be real disasters

But the results turned out to be the structuring of a really great aspect of my life or career. Joseph Campbell.

The Gift of a Question………..

I love questions.

I take them to work with me. I curl up with them at night under the duvet.

New ones have arrived when I open my eyes in the morning & like to tap me on the shoulder throughout the day to remind me that they are there. I have a book I record great questions in………..I never leave the house without at least one & probably at least 3 to keep me warm in winter

I’m never bored, or lonely. Questions can be like good friends, I have my favourites who have been with me for years & shape my life, like:

How do you know? …………………and…………………Is it true?

Here’s another that I return to again & again & always find in my suitcase when I go on holiday.

Who is this who lives in the centre of my chest? Rumi.

Our lives are shaped by the questions we ask

(& I think also by the questions we refuse to ask)

As youngsters most of us are full of questions; the world & everything in it, & especially what people do…………is weird, wonderful, a mystery.

Then something happens to the questions we ask. Where do they go?

As adults, do we stop asking questions, do we stop forming them…………..or are we simply too busy, not interested or too jaded & overwhelmed to ask.

Little people always seem to expect that their answers can & will be answered. If not they’ll just keep asking, (a delightful habit on a crowded train!)

But it seems to me that at some point on the journey from little person to adult………..we stop believing that the questions we generate can be or will be answered. (You’d like to hope) …….that may be a mark of our maturity in terms of the kind of questions we ask………….but equally it may be a sad reflection of either our fear or our cynicism that they won’t be answered……or we’ll be thought a fool for asking or perhaps with some questions we know that we don’t really want to know the answer…..

There is courage in being able to articulate, face & share questions with another, especially the ones about ourselves. As a coach & trainer I am constantly awed by the kind of questions people will sit up straight & look in the eye.

‘When you look into abyss, the abyss also looks into you”, & it can pose some huge questions.

Why is it though that the really important questions we often only ask in the dead of night or when we’re afraid or facing an abyss? Wouldn’t it be easier if we could only remember how well acquainted we were with questions when we were little & just treat them as normal, no matter what clothes they’re wearing??

As adults, those of us fortunate enough to have work will in the course of our careers spend more hours at our jobs than we do at home, with friends or family. The person we are at work is the person we are effectively practicing becoming.

How well do you like that person? Is the kind of question I want to carry close to me.

What are the questions that wake you in the middle of the night?

David Whyte says that the questions that belong to us/are ours have ‘no right to go away‘ & deserve to be heard.

Another poet encourages us to hang out with our questions until the answers & the non-answers make some sense.

One of my favourite questions was penned by Einstein. A seriously clever man, I may not understand much of his pivotal work, but this question I do.

Is the world a friendly place?

Einstein believed that the experience of our lives may, to a large extend depend upon how we answer that question………….because the answer will dictate now we approach the world, & every thing in it. I don’t think that Einstein was being superficial here, or simplistic. I think he’s inviting us to wonder about our fundamental perspective on the world & relationships.

The way we answer that question for ourselves will affect what we project, or what ‘leaks’ from us in our interactions. It will colour what we expect from & how we perceive the behaviour of others, which will itself have a bearing on how others will behave towards us.

Ask yourself the question & notice what your answer is………..Does it fit you?

Is the world a friendly place?

Is your workplace a friendly place?

Is your family a friendly place?

Are you a friendly self-accepting place to yourself?

Dante’s famous book the Inferno carries that great line:

In the middle of the road of my life I awoke to find myself in a dark wood where the true way was wholly lost.

What kind of questions was that wanderer asking or not asking that he was so surprised to find himself wholly lost?

There is apparently a Persian curse that says:

“May all your dreams immediately come true……..”

At first look………….it sounds like several lottery wins all in one go……. but then I see how that would be awful, after the first 5 minutes!

I feel the same about questions. I never want all of them to be answered. I want to know that some of them can’t be. In my life, I have awoken in the middle of more than one dark wood & no doubt will do so again before my time is up, but I’ve never been wholly lost because I’ve always had a good question to keep me company.

But most of all I never want to run out of them & I will resolutely cling to my own on-going answer to the one Einstein posed.

Why? Because I prefer the person I am when I answer the question the way I do.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do. Story People

I read somewhere that: an experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.

What’s important to you about being with friends, with yourself or even working?

The answer to this question will have something to do with what you value in your life & about how you spend your time.

It’s sometimes referred to as how we ‘sort’ experience, & really means what you’re looking for & what you notice about the experiences you have.

What makes this even more complicated is that, as in every other way, humans are very different when it comes to what we want. Often we are not as clear as it would be helpful to be about what we want out of our experience which makes it even more uncomfortable when we don’t get it………….

I have a friend who’s key criteria for spending time with friends is that it’s fun. This proved a little tricky for our friendship when we figured out that my main criteria for spending time with friends is not………..having fun.

Hugh Prather, an American Psychologist said: “I’m more familiar with what it takes to be serious.” And that’s me. It’s not that I don’t like fun……….but I don’t ‘sort’ for it. Fun for me seemed fluffy & light with nothing to show for it. Some of the best, most meaningful & most memorable experiences of my life haven’t included laughter or lightheartedness at all, but rather a sense of something profound & new happening. These are the things that help me to grow & feel alive, but they’re not always what other people would call fun.

Discovering that my friend & I wanted different qualities of experience was a threat to our friendship at first……..but over time & with lots of patient, respectful curiosity, we’ve learned how to better understand & accommodate both of our needs so that we can carry on having great times together.

Sometimes we just hang out, enjoy life & do crazy, colourful things. Sometimes we put the world to rights. Sometimes we go & learn something together.

A difference in values, especially around what fun looks like can be challenging, if not fatal to a relationship. But look again: deep & meaningful soul conversation can be fun, & so can lying on a beach staring at the sky.

it’s just a matter of degrees.

I got to keep my friendship, which is demanding, refreshing, challenging, & fascinating & the flowers in my garden got brighter.